Attention venture capitalists!

I've recently come up with someideas which I think are sure-fire market winners. If anyone likes making obscene amounts of money (even as a hobby), let's set up a phony offshore tax shelter and start making non-FDA approved claims!

Idea number 1:

Cocaine with a multivitamin supplement. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm reasonably sure there's a loophole that could make this legal, as long as it's marketed as a "health supplement" and not a "recreational narcotic." If this sells (it will, trust me), think about the possibilities. We could create a whole line of products: one for children, one for the elderly, one for pregnant women, an extra-strength formula for those "really big headaches" or whatever it's supposed to treat. And don't get me started on the potential ad campaigns. Because Centrum is for pussies. If they can sell Head-On, this should be legit.

Idea number 2:

The $2 Store. Like Snakes On A Plane, this idea's brilliance rests in its completely retarded name. There is absolutely nothing remarkable about the $2 Store; it's like the Dollar Store, but twice as expensive. Because of this price difference, the $2 Store will establish itself as the high-end retailer of cheap Chinese plastic shit. Poor people will shop there because it lends them a sense of class, stoned college kids will shop there on their endless quest for ironic novelty, evangelicals will shop there because every store will have a 30 fiberglass Jesus on the roof. Plus, the name vaguely sounds like $2 whore, and the focus group found that somewhat amusing.

Idea number 3:

A family-style chain of restaurants with generic, reasonably priced menu items and a gimmicy theme to attract customers. What's that you say? It's been done before? Not when the theme is the exciting world of competative eating! Why not give Smacky Frank's a try for your next birthday/corporate event/funeral/other excuse? Customers pay an impossibly low $9.99 entry fee (kids under 6 eat free!) and are given ten minutes to force as much processed crap into their bodies as possible. All customers are given a complementary gallon of our Zesty BBQ Buffalo TM sauce to aid the tedious process of swallowing whole steaks in under one minute. And, for only $5.99 more, you get the Ten Minute Feast of Insanity TM PLUS unlimited trips to the nacho bar. And don't worry, all staff are trained in CPR.