Attention venture capitalists!

I've recently come up with someideas which I think are sure-fire market winners. If anyone likes making obscene amounts of money (even as a hobby), let's set up a phony offshore tax shelter and start making non-FDA approved claims!

Idea number 1:

Cocaine with a multivitamin supplement. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm reasonably sure there's a loophole that could make this legal, as long as it's marketed as a "health supplement" and not a "recreational narcotic." If this sells (it will, trust me), think about the possibilities. We could create a whole line of products: one for children, one for the elderly, one for pregnant women, an extra-strength formula for those "really big headaches" or whatever it's supposed to treat. And don't get me started on the potential ad campaigns. Because Centrum is for pussies. If they can sell Head-On, this should be legit.

Idea number 2:

The $2 Store. Like Snakes On A Plane, this idea's brilliance rests in its completely retarded name. There is absolutely nothing remarkable about the $2 Store; it's like the Dollar Store, but twice as expensive. Because of this price difference, the $2 Store will establish itself as the high-end retailer of cheap Chinese plastic shit. Poor people will shop there because it lends them a sense of class, stoned college kids will shop there on their endless quest for ironic novelty, evangelicals will shop there because every store will have a 30 fiberglass Jesus on the roof. Plus, the name vaguely sounds like $2 whore, and the focus group found that somewhat amusing.

Idea number 3:

A family-style chain of restaurants with generic, reasonably priced menu items and a gimmicy theme to attract customers. What's that you say? It's been done before? Not when the theme is the exciting world of competative eating! Why not give Smacky Frank's a try for your next birthday/corporate event/funeral/other excuse? Customers pay an impossibly low $9.99 entry fee (kids under 6 eat free!) and are given ten minutes to force as much processed crap into their bodies as possible. All customers are given a complementary gallon of our Zesty BBQ Buffalo TM sauce to aid the tedious process of swallowing whole steaks in under one minute. And, for only $5.99 more, you get the Ten Minute Feast of Insanity TM PLUS unlimited trips to the nacho bar. And don't worry, all staff are trained in CPR.

A Letter Found Within the Pages Of My Copy Of HP7

Dear Dumbledore:
Often there are I things that I remember that I wasn't able to tell you. Like the way your beard scratched my cheek when we first kissed, the way my hands would tremble and fluster as I undressed, hesitantly, in your blinding presence, or the way, when I would press my hand on your smooth stomach above what I imagine is your gallbladder, all sweet and gurgling, festering with bile being stored for the eventual emulsification and decomposition of expired life, I would feel such a slow and creeping wetness emanating through my limbs, my existence hollowed in the face of your superhuman physiological mechanics. I wanted you, I wanted inside you.

Love, Grindelwald.

(There's a reason Grindelwald didn't become a poet.)

Harry Potter and the Left-Wing Agenda

Hey Dumbledore, what's all that WHITE STUFF on your face?!?!

So it turns out that Dumbledore is a fuckin' faggot. Thanks a lot Rowling, I'm gonna go light the local bookstore on fire to cleanse it of Satan's stench. I guess we can look forward to another Potter book soon: Harry Potter and the Dimly Lit Truckstop. It wouldn't surprise me if kids thought this was "cool" and want a "gay" principal because they're "fun." It's a well known fact that kids will automatically imitate anything they read in books. I saw a news report that a 7 year old in Missouri began synthesizing his own food using the sun's energy after he read that infamous liberal propaganda The Giving Tree. That's why they shouldn't read this Harry Potter garbage with all the Satanism and witchcraft and homosexuality and empowering female characters. How many more angry letters to the editor do I have to write IN ALL CAPS to get my point across, America? HOW MANY???

teh gai

Also, I would like to note that we here at Team Wong fully support Albus Dumbledore's homosexuality, especially because he is a totally hot stud with a huge package ready to show us some intense man lovin'. We laugh with pleasure along with Mr. Dumbledore as he figuratively cums into the collective anus of the Religious Right.

(This post increased our traffic by 381%.)

Unlike Matt, I Am the Very Model of Sophistication

So Matt’s warmed you up to his 80s fetish with a hard stiff thrust of Reagan-mania. I, on the other hand, live in a modern age, one far removed from the time of bushy hair and hairy bush. (I’m very proud of that line, by the way, and I’m pretty sure I made it up myself- it came to me during German class, while I was gazing lazily at the thighs of a girl wearing American Apparel leggings.)

Oh god, I just noticed that Matt titled his first post “First post.” WHAT a n00b thing to do, am I right? You can spot the n00blogger a mile away when they do shit like that. Honestly, dude. We need to keep this thing sophisticated.

Anyway, my personal inclinations, while not specifically focused on the Glory of the Gipper, are indeed exotic and wild in nature. Note my ad in Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” section:

ARE YOU THE MAN FOR ME??

Looking for fun sexy times tonite?! into a some NSA kinky roleplaying? i’m the grl 4 U 2NITE! I’m at the governor’s palace, over by the herb garden. Wearing a sExY petticoat and red-patterned apron (NOT the white apron that grl is a HO!! Last month she was on CL all trying to get with all the MWM GUYS I DON’T PLAY THAT I GOT MY SELF-RESPECT) you gotta be discrete, so costumes a must (be sporting some knickers and buckled-up kicks, roll them socks ALL the way up) don’t worry they’ll come off soon enough lol hit me up baby! Admission is 36$ for adults, $18 for youth, call 1-800-HISTORY for more information.

So far my only response has been from a man who clearly thought that a petticoat was some sort of bondage apparatus, and if there’s one thing I won’t tolerate in my potential partners, it’s ignorance. C’est la vie.

First post, wherein I espouse the merits of my new religion

It's been about 3 years since Reagan died, so I think it's time to base a religion around him. I know the Republican Party has already started doing this, but I'd like to make it official. Naturally, the central deity would be Ronald Reagan. His undead spirit still roams the Earth, visiting judgement upon those that claim to follow his ways. The Spirit of Reagan is a fickle and unpredictable figure, and his actions can be hard to percieve and decipher. He is the geriatric manifestation of chaos theory. Naturally, this leaves room to ascribe any event or non-event to the whims of Reagan. Of course, any religion needs a mythology, and the Church of Reagan is no different. The holy text here is Reaganawesome!: How One Man Defeated the 1980s, co-written by R.L. Stein. In it, the stories of Reagan's life are told in the form of extended metaphors and hyperbole. For example, here's a passage about the Challenger disaster: "While the crowd was easily distracted by the sight of burning rocket fuel, the Great Communicator grew bored and listless. Suddenly, narrowing his haunting blue eyes, he emitted a blinding laser blast which immediately destroyed the spaceship. While the crowd stood aghast, their attention quickly focused on the 20 foot giant in their midst. 'Let that be a warning to Mr. Gorbachev that my Star Wars is no lie!' And then, an angel flew down and handed Him a comb with which he reshaped his divine hair." I'll let this post serve as a teaser, but rest assured, there will be more to come. May The Spirit of Reagan Smile Upon You!